Hi everyone.
I felt really bad today in class, and afterwards. I
did have a really good discussion with Noelle and Sara after everyone
else left, and a fairly long one with Sara until we both had to go do
other things. It was so much more productive and I felt more able to
open up. I don't mean that I felt bad physically and that's an excuse
for how I acted today in class, and have likely acted previously. I mean
that I feel bad about acting that way and not responding better to you
all. I'm not sure how to engage in a productive discussion in class
right now. It's bothering me, and it's making me feel like I'm letting
you all down. I hope I'm at least being able to offer something to
discussions about your work, but discussing my work in class is just not
working.
Seminar, both semesters but especially this semester,
has been the worst class for me. I'm getting to where I pretty much
dread seminar and wait for my time discussing to be over so I can focus
on other people's work, or on other classes. And since seminar should be
the most important part of the semester, that's not a good way to feel.
You're all being great, and so supportive, but I'm not living up to it.
I'm
not bringing in the work I am doing, and haven't raised the topic of my
blog before because that work is really about teaching. It's about
maybe discovering a better tool for MFA-work, but probably not. My
chemical experiments with salt prints, exploring lumen papers,
understanding anthotypes, writing the blog, doing videos.. that's
education. That's writing a book, making a presentation, designing a
workshop. That's what I've been doing for six years. That's what I love,
it's what makes me happy and makes me engaged and passionate. But
that's not being a visual artist. That's being a teacher and an
educator. An artist can be an educator, but they have to educate through
the medium of visual arts or they're not being an artist.
I
think a lot of my problem is that I'm trying to re-learn how to be an
artist first. I'm trying to get away from teaching, or section it off.
But it's what I'm doing, because I haven't figure out how to art in the
right way yet. Since September, I've been producing barely any work.
What I have produced has been, almost exclusively, experiments.
So
when I'm silent in class, and I don't respond to what you say, please
forgive me. I am hearing it, and listening to it, and trying to process
it. I just don't know how to respond because it feels like the wrong
conversation. And I can't seem to start the right conversation. That's
why I've been reluctant to bring in work, or discuss too much about
what's going on. I'm trying to be an artist again, and it's challenging.
I don't want to go down the wrong roads, which seemed to be all that
happened last semester. Just a big, long series of wrong turns. Which
unfortunately feels all too often like it describes everything I've been
doing since September.
I'm going to try to do better, making
work and responding in class. I hope you'll bear with me. You've all
been so fantastically supportive, and the questions you have are all the
ones I have. You're asking where the concept and content is, what form
it's going to take, and that's what I'm wondering. I'm trying to find
the art, and I haven't found it yet. I think maybe I can see some of it,
now that I'm starting to think about it this way. And our discussions
in class have helped in some ways.
There's probably a lot more to
say, but I've said a lot already. Thank you for trying to help me, and
for everything you're giving me. I'm sorry I'm not dealing with it well.
I don't know why I can discuss it five minutes after class, but not in
class. None of you is making me feel attacked, you're all very kind and
helpful.
I don't have any answers. Just a lot of questions, and a
lot of things that haven't worked and I don't want to repeat. I'll try
to be better. I have to find a way to be an artist again, because that's
what seems to be missing. I came to grad school so I could be a
teacher, but to do that, I have to be an artist first. Thank you all
again.
I came to grad school so I could be a teacher, but to do that, I have to be an artist first.
I think a lot of my problem is that I'm trying to re-learn how to be an artist first. I'm trying to get away from teaching, or section it off. But it's what I'm doing, because I haven't figure out how to art in the right way yet. Since September, I've been producing barely any work. What I have produced has been, almost exclusively, experiments.
My chemical experiments with salt prints, exploring lumen papers, understanding anthotypes, writing the blog, doing videos.. that's education. That's writing a book, making a presentation, designing a workshop. That's what I've been doing for six years. That's what I love, it's what makes me happy and makes me engaged and passionate. But that's not being a visual artist. That's being a teacher and an educator. An artist can be an educator, but they have to educate through the medium of visual arts or they're not being an artist.
I came to grad school so I could be a teacher, but to do that, I have to be an artist first.
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